Love doesn’t always respect geographic
boundaries, or easily take a backseat to educational pursuits, familial
obligations, and career opportunities.
Long-distance relationships (LDR) are
proliferating, with an estimated 14 million couples defining their
relationships as such and a staggering 75 percent of engaged couples
reporting having been in a long-distance relationship at some point.
Even as they become more common, in no way is a long-distance relationship easy.
They are hard … really hard. Living
every day without the person you love most is like living on one meal a
day instead of three. You can’t help feeling the gulf, the
disconnection, the absence. You know ‘this is what it takes’ to keep the
relationship going, and you don’t want to give up … but some days that
pit in your stomach aches.
This is the unavoidable doubt and
anxiety that accompanies all long-distance relationships. Each day you
consider how to make things work — and you wonder how many compromises
you must make or how many other priorities must take a backseat before
“too much” is just truly too much.
And then you remember how much you love
this person, and like an alarm clock that snoozes, but won’t turn off,
you push the anxiety away for awhile, delay thinking about it. But it’s
always a part of the landscape of your relationship.
So, on the tough days when missing your
far-away love feels like more than you can take, here are some ways to
reframe the struggle to help make coping a bit easier:
1. Your relationship is stronger than you think! A
2013 study found that long-distance relationships are capable of being
stronger and even more intimate than those that are more proximate. Long
distance forces communication skills to develop and improve if a
relationship is to survive. Not only is writing to each other a
fantastic way to drill down into your true feelings and express yourself
(which helps you), it also builds needed intimacy with your partner and
strengthens the relationship.
2. You’re defining and redefining your core values.
Values are sometimes tricky to define and yet, they play a fundamental
role in decision-making. Being away from your partner forces you to
decide every day whether it’s worth it to continue, and ultimately helps
you decide how to prioritize being together — these decisions are
strengthening your values and personal sense of self.
3. The glass is half full.
Instead of focusing on the separation, try celebrating the connection
and love you feel. Research shows that gratitude strengthens
relationships by promoting a cycle of generosity and other pro-social
emotions. Yet another study found that gratitude boosts happiness …
something that helps offset the misery of being alone. Next time you’re
feeling like you can’t take another moment alone, redirect your
attention to your blessings — that you feel love and connection with a
partner who loves you. This a tremendous gift — one many never
experience.
4. Novelty is boosting your bond. Doing
something novel and interesting with your partner boosts your
relationship satisfaction. What could be more novel than navigating the
vicissitudes of connecting across time zones, and continents? You’re in
this together, and that sense of teamwork creates a bond between you
that deepens your relationship. If you can handle this, you can handle
anything.
5. Overextending isn’t necessary.
Long-distance relationships require costly sacrifice that may tempt you
to forgo your needs for the sake of the relationship. Skype sessions at
extreme hours, expensive plane tickets, maxed out vacation leave,
telling yourself that you’re “OK” being alone (when some days you just
aren’t). You risk putting your wellbeing (and the relationship) in a
dangerous place when you continuously overextend yourself. Just like we
put on our own oxygen mask before helping others, apply that logic to
your everyday life; taking care of yourself is critical to maintaining
healthy balance in your relationship. Any partner worth keeping will
understand and support you in this.
6. It’s OK if long distance isn’t for you. Long distance isn’t for everyone or every relationship — in fact, 20 percent of relationships are ultimately negative
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